Honoring our Children

At the gym today, I worked out next to a lovely young lady in recovery who has recently become a single mom.

We spoke a little about how going through hardships now is so different than when we were in our disease. We spoke about how powerful grace can be and how amazed we are when our actions reflect the principles of the program rather than the chaos of our former selves. But the most valuable part of the conversation was how we are learning to honor our children.

What does that mean, to honor our children? For me, what is being revealed is how to love my children for who they are rather than who I want them to be. This hasn't come easily for me. I am a raging co-dependent and often find myself uncomfortable when my children don't say or do the things I think they should.

Recently I was rewarded with seeing my son for the amazing, separate, unique young man that he is. It was a moment when I felt myself ease up on him and received a moment of grace by laughing at his quirky and very funny joke. Since then, I have started to see that my son is really a very funny person and although it is a different sense of humor, it is good. I see, too, that his quirkiness doesn't bother others the way it bothers me, they are much more accepting and appreciative of him and they are offering me an opportunity to see how I can work toward being the mom I want to be.

I have a long way to go, but I am making progress and my son is feeling my pressure on him ease up too. This is going to be good for all of us.

H.A.L.T.

I was hungry, angry, lonely and tired the other night when my 11 year old started in. I knew that I was in a weak place spiritually so I should have known to give myself a timeout to check in with how I was doing, I should have removed myself from his anger and let myself rest and recharge. I didn't do those things. I jumped in the cage with him and said some things I wish I hadn't. I finished my rant with, "I love you, Matthew, I just don't love your attitude and actions right now."

I went to bed disappointed that I had had yet another emotional relapse with him. I fell asleep, but felt restless, irritable, discontent. Sometime during the night I calmed my mind enough to ask God for help. "I don't know how to do this, God. Please show me how," was the prayer I repeated over and over.

Sometime later on, God answered it. I saw how my fears of the future and finances were on my mind and my son was just trying to get me to plug in to him and the present. He has learned that if he can't get my attention in a positive way, he will get it in a negative way. He has learned how to get his needs met when mom goes numb. God asked me to hand those worries over to him.

God said, "I don't give you more than you can handle, I give you what I can handle." That made me realize that I had taken my will back and had been spinning in my fears. God gently removed my fears. I asked, and He answered.

In the morning, I felt different. In the morning, I felt stronger and more willing to listen to suggestions. I walked into my son's room and kissed his sweet, sleeping face. He is such a gift from God and such a teacher for me. I look at him and realize he is doing the best that he can do, and I am too. We are teaching each other and as long as I stay willing to learn, I can be the mother God has intended me to be.