I was hungry, angry, lonely and tired the other night when my 11 year old started in. I knew that I was in a weak place spiritually so I should have known to give myself a timeout to check in with how I was doing, I should have removed myself from his anger and let myself rest and recharge. I didn't do those things. I jumped in the cage with him and said some things I wish I hadn't. I finished my rant with, "I love you, Matthew, I just don't love your attitude and actions right now."
I went to bed disappointed that I had had yet another emotional relapse with him. I fell asleep, but felt restless, irritable, discontent. Sometime during the night I calmed my mind enough to ask God for help. "I don't know how to do this, God. Please show me how," was the prayer I repeated over and over.
Sometime later on, God answered it. I saw how my fears of the future and finances were on my mind and my son was just trying to get me to plug in to him and the present. He has learned that if he can't get my attention in a positive way, he will get it in a negative way. He has learned how to get his needs met when mom goes numb. God asked me to hand those worries over to him.
God said, "I don't give you more than you can handle, I give you what I can handle." That made me realize that I had taken my will back and had been spinning in my fears. God gently removed my fears. I asked, and He answered.
In the morning, I felt different. In the morning, I felt stronger and more willing to listen to suggestions. I walked into my son's room and kissed his sweet, sleeping face. He is such a gift from God and such a teacher for me. I look at him and realize he is doing the best that he can do, and I am too. We are teaching each other and as long as I stay willing to learn, I can be the mother God has intended me to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment